And we're baaaaaaaaack.

It has been a very long time since I've written on my blog. On one hand, I really don't like that because it means there is a gap in our little collection of family memories, but on the other hand, I don't mind so much, because sometimes you don't have much to say, or life intervenes with more pressing cares than journaling.

But a lot has happened since I last wrote here-- we're slowly settling into our new house, we've planted a vegetable garden and have 3 chickens, my mom and sister came for a visit, we traded our enormous 4 poster bed for an old Jeep, we went to San Francisco.

And we got the biggest and best surprise of our lives. God has opened my womb and we are expecting a new baby in early February. This news is so amazing that we still ask ourselves if it can possibly be true.

I really feel that this baby is a miracle, given all the damage inside my body. This child is such a special gift from the Lord. I wonder what purpose he has for this new person? I'm so excited for Iain to have a little brother or sister. He doesn't know yet, but has lately been praying for "a new buddy for our family." He came up with this idea all on his own, and the timing is good!

So we are rejoicing here. I've been so thankful for summer break as Brian has been home to take care of Iain and household chores while I've been sick. Morning sickness started at about 4 weeks with this baby and I've been pretty tired too. I'm looking forward to being finished with the first trimester and going about my regular routine again.

I'm throwing the good girl off the bus.

God is teaching me a new thing-- and it is actually just the gospel. It stings a bit to see that I too am still needing spiritual milk, but that is of little consequence.

Doni's recent blog post on self-sacrifice really gave me a lot to chew on. She basically posits that God isn't always calling us to sacrifice because Jesus has already sacrificed for us, and that any sacrifice we do make ultimately should not be about us, but about him. She points out that often when we make a sacrifice we are doing it to earn God's favor and to prove to ourselves that we are better than others. I know that is true of me.

Anybody have any thoughts about this? How do we balance God's gracious fatherly love towards us with running a good race, or worshipping God by making our lives into living sacrifices? How can faithfully worship and serve God (out of adoration and not just sucking up!) ? How can we live for eternity and for others in an honest and non-works based way?

I'm longing for freedom in Christ. Freedom from guilt. Freedom to serve in a meaningful way that is not all about me. Freedom to worship in a way that isn't all about me. Freedom from self. Freedom from works and self-righteousness. Lord please remove the wicked selfish desires of my heart. Take away the longing to worshiped, adored, and approved of. Take away the desire to be good in order to be loved. Take away the fear of man. Please replace these desires with the desire to worship and adore you. Replace it with the desire to approve of what you approve of. Grant me the desire to love you so much that I want to be like you. Give me a fear of you. Set me free Lord Jesus. Help me believe in the sufficency of your death. Help me believe that I am dead to sin and alive in Christ, no longer bound by the law. Make me a perfect piece of your creation, fulfilling my purpose and bringing glory to you by joyfully doing what you created me to do in full contentment and peace in you. Help me to fear nothing and to jump unabashedly through the air into your arms, knowing that they will catch me. I believe I am yours. I believe that you love me. Help me walk daily in the confidence that I am your precious daughter, bough with the highest possible price, and that no one could ever approve of me or love me more than that. Amen.

Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe

Today was not a good day. If anybody was giving out "best mom" awards, today would have disqualified me for sure. I was impatient and irritable. I didn't use my time or my words well. I didn't cherish my son. That grieves my heart. I just clicked over to Noah Steven's blog again this evening and it reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for. Noah was born about the same time as Iain, but Noah died last year. I know that we all have less than stellar days as parents, but it is good to be reminded of the precious and fragile gift that our children are. I pray that God would help me steward my great gift tomorrow and all the days thereafter. I'm thankful for the gift of God's grace and forgiveness, which are new every morning.

Nothing new under the sun

Speaking of the lower classes:

"It's so consoling! It's such a delight to know that, when they suffer, they don't feel! Sometimes I have been quite uneasy for that sort of people, but now I shall just dismiss the idea of them altogether. "

--Miss Dartle. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

This line caught me while watching Masterpiece tonight. How many injustices have been justified under this cloak? Slavery, social discrimination, abortion, the Holocaust? But we mustn't worry about the grief or trials of that particular kind. After all, they aren't human.

A New Home for the Douglas Family

We're under contract on a HOUSE! A perfect little house for us, right in the city, with a nice backyard and washer dryer hookups! Here it is:


Welcome to our home. This is is our new living room.


Here is the dining area.

The kitchen.


The hallway, complete with two friendly faces.


I have more pictures of the bedrooms and the bath, but blogger was giving me grief about posting them right, so it will have to wait.

And the backyard with plenty of running room!


We're hoping to close March 17th. Buying a house at this point was so far beyond our expectations or even hopes. This is just a phenomenal blessing from God. Thank you Lord for blessing us over and above what we could think possible.

We're just thrilled to pieces!

My Thoughts Exactly

I was surfin' some of my favorite frugal blogs recently and ran across this post on money choices from Simple Mom. She quotes JD Roth as saying “You can have anything you want - but you can’t have everything you want.” I've found that to be true in terms of time and money. We have to make choices and those choices result in our individual unique lives. For me staying home has been a major time/money choice and it definitely does change the way our life (and budget!) look. Sometimes I'm tempted to regret that choice, but only when I'm looking at the wrong things. No, we don't have matching furniture. No, we don't go out to eat. Yes, I have to do my laundry at the apartment laundromat. Yes, we have one car and my husband cycles to to work everyday. But that is no reason to feel deprived. I get to spend every day with my two year old son. I see every smile, hear every laugh, and catch every tear that falls. We are able by God's grace to pay our bills. My husband has a job he loves. We are very rich.

Beautiful Vulnerability

Lately I have felt the Lord calling me to be his feet and hands. To love the unlovely-- and not just in Africa, but the unlovely in my life. You know, those people who have problems, the ones you can't stand, the ones with the messy lives that seem way too complicated to sort out. And I'm being convicted about how very little I actually do that as I write this. Faces are coming before my eyes, and all I can say is: Lord, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Help me do better.

This necklace was a gift from Brian for my birthday. It is what I want and need to have as a Christian, and as a mom who struggles with infertility-- an open heart. My heart is being called and awakened towards little ones in foster care who are broken and abused and seem too messed up to help. With each story I hear, the passion to serve them grows in my heart. But fear has come too. How can I help them? They're too far gone, they've seen too much, their future is too uncertain. What about my own son? And the Lord has answered me:

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

I cannot be the Rock that those kids-- or anyone else, for that matter-- need. God is their Rock and their comfort. He is the only stability for anyone. Those of us who come from loving homes or good financial backgrounds can be deceived into thinking that is where our stability comes from. But God is big enough for any fears or problems and if I can point the way to run to that Rock that is higher than all of us, then I have helped someone find rest. Anything else is all too temporary.

Along with this, he has helped to realize that loving people is painful. There is no way around that, except not to love. There are no risk-free relationships. There aren't any guarantees with biological children, let alone children who are strangers who have been hurt and abandoned by those who ought to love and care for them more than anyone else. So loving foster kids won't be easy. And there are times when it won't feel nice or be pretty. But being vulnerable and open to being hurt to minister love and comfort in the name of Christ is a beautiful thing.

This was from the bulletin at church several months ago and I taped it above my desk:

"By Your command, O God, I want to meet each person today, not just as an interruption to my plans or an obstruction to my will, but as a never-to-be-repeated life, made in Your image, in whom I can meet the very person of Jesus Christ."

Lord, please help me to see the opportunities you give me every moment of every day to love the people you have put in my life. Help me not to be too lazy or selfish to do that. And Lord if you call us into foster care ministry, please give us the wisdom, strength, and deep reserves of love that we will need to do the job.

I hope that we are able to foster at some point in the near future, but even if that door closes, I know that this compassion the Lord is laying on me is for a purpose. I will wait on him as patiently as I can and strive to serve him where I am until he shows me what that is. I am comforted by the beauty that vulnerability to the Lord has brought in my life. I didn't choose the path of infertility, but I have learned so much by walking it. So now I can say: Lord, I am open to your plan, whatever it is. You know what is best. I trust you to take my weakness and make it strength. That is what my birthday necklace symbolizes to me. An open heart to people, and an open heart to the will of God. When I wear it I hope it will remind me of all of this, which I am all to prone to forget.